


And just like every boring blues song I get swallowed by the pain

by empressoffire



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Mental Health Issues, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Violence, its not real though if that makes anyone feel any better, overarching consequences of the crisis, the author continues to work out all her shit by projecting onto characters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2020-06-02 09:09:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19438333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/empressoffire/pseuds/empressoffire
Summary: Or, Hanzo Shimada has Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Life goes on.





	And just like every boring blues song I get swallowed by the pain

Hanzo is 11 the first time he thinks something is truly wrong with him. This is because 11 is the first age where he sees himself kill his brother.

They’re swimming, they’re supposed to be swimming laps, improving their statima, though Genji is of course, uninterested in that and has chosen instead to try to figure out how to do an underwater handstand. The thought strikes Hanzo like an arrow through the chest, avering out of nowhere, terrifyingly clear. 

He could, at this very moment, swim over to where Genji is splashing about just underneath the surface of the water and put his hands on top of Genji’s head, pressing down, keeping him under. Hanzo is stronger than him, he could keep Genji’s head underwater no matter how hard he thrashed. He can see himself doing it, almost feel Genji’s hair under his fingers. Their cousin Eita is supervising them, sure, but he’s not really paying attention, too focused on his phone. Knowing Eita, and the excited glint in his eye, he’s either talking to a girl or trying to buy cocaine. 

Hanzo could do it. That’s the thing that makes his blood run cold. He could do it. He can see himself doing it. He doesn’t want to, god, he doesn’t want to, but he could. 

Please understand that he doesn’t want to. Hanzo loves his brother, even when Genji refuses to take things seriously or eats all of the strawberries before he can get to them. His brother is his only friend, as embarrassing as that is to admit, but he’s a good one. Hanzo cannot imagine a life without Genji, doesn’t want to imagine a life without Genji. If it were anyone else thinking about putting their hands on him, Hanzo would rip them apart limb by limb.

But still. He could. 

Hanzo swims straight for the ladder, climbing out while Eita finally notices what he’s doing, looking up from his phone. “Where are you going?”

“Elsewhere.” Hanzo says, raising his jaw, voice as haughty as he can make it, hoping to sound like his father does when he announces decisions before the clan. 

“You can’t just do that,” Eita rises from his chair. “You’re supposed to be here for another h-” 

“What are you doing?” Hanzo gestures to the phone. 

Eita pauses for a second, mouth tilting downwards, eyebrows furrowing together. Now, Eita fancies himself a ladies man and has never before refrained from talking about how attractive his partners (or hopefully partners are). On the other hand, Aunt Niko has decreed that if she catches her 16 year old son high one more time, Eita will find himself on a one way trip to one of the country’s top boarding schools. 

“I can get it for you, and I can get it cheaper.” Hanzo says. In reality, Hanzo will just let his father know about this, and the problem will sort itself out. 

“How? You’re 11.” 

“I am the future leader of the Shimada Clan. I have my ways.” He keeps his voice steady, facing his cousin head on. 

Eita considered for a moment, eyes flicking around the room like he expects his mother to pop out from behind a pool chair. “Alright. Fine. How soon?” 

“Soon enough.” Hanzo says, walking towards the exit. There’s a splashing sound behind him, and then the patter of feet against the floor. “Genji, don’t run. You’ll slip and hurt yourself.”

“No, I won’t,” Genji says. “I’m training to be a ninja and ninjas never slip.” Hanzo sighs, and then like clockwork, there is a shriek from Genji as he hits the floor. 

Hanzo turns in an instant, running over to where Genji now lays on the floor, limbs spread out like a slightly drunk starfish. “Genji? Are you alright?” He asks, running through the basic first aid class he had to take last year in his head. Should he call an ambulance first, or his father? 

“I’m fine.” Genji sits up, shaking the water off his head. Hanzo steps back to avoid being caught in the splash zone. “My butt just hurts.” 

Hanzo sighs, rolling his eyes. “Your butt? I think you’ll live.” Still, he holds his hand out, pulling his brother upright, and then very discreetly checking him over for any injuries. 

“You don’t need to do that, I said I’m fine.” This time it is Genji who rolls his eyes. “Come on, if we’re not going to finish swimming, which we shouldn’t because it’s so boring, that means we have actual free time! We could watch a movie or try out the new game we’re not supposed to play because there’s swearing!” 

Hanzo pauses, considers for a second before the vision flashes before his eyes again. Genji, face down in the water and Hanzo did that to him. “I want to go over my math lesson again. I didn’t understand it this morning.” He turns and strides away as quickly as he can, ignoring Genji behind him pointing out that math has always been one of Hanzo’s best subjects.

**Author's Note:**

> almost two years ago i was going through a rough time mentally and instead of doing anything stupid i wrote this fanfic and posted it, and to be honest, it was probably one of the best things i did to get through that time. so, faced with another mental bad timeTM i'm trying again. is this a good idea? who knows. but if i was still seeing my therapist i probably wouldn't tell her about it.


End file.
